Questions
Sunday, September 02, 2007 by Kristen
"Here I am
In a river of questions
Can I pour my heart out to a listening ear?
I see this life
Its valleys and mountains
And I think of all the roads that brought me here
I've questioned my reasons
The life I'm living
I've questioned my ability
To judge wrong from right
I've questioned all the things that I've ever called certain
My race, my religion, my country, my mind
But the one thing I don't question is you
You really love me like you say you do
Hold me
I've questioned my significance
Meaning and relevance
Does the work I'm doing really matter at all?
I've questioned my friendships
Alliance, dependence
Who will still be here when I fall?
Only one thing doesn't change
Only one thing stays the same
All I know at the end of the day is your love remains"
I think that these lyrics by Paul Coleman pretty much describe where I am right now...I am so blessed in so many ways, and I know it--I could go on for days, weeks, months, even years listing all of the ways I am blessed. But I am also struggling. College is an entirely different world, and the decisions I make during this time could affect the rest of my life. Am I doing the right thing? Should I pursue this music major? Can I pursue a music major, with the four hours of required practice, while still doing a nearly hour long commute between home and college every day? Is that what God wants? What are His plans, His purposes? Is it His will that I pursue this, or should I reconsider? Does it even matter? How do I balance the importance of school with the importance of relationships? Dedicating four years to 4 hours of music practice a day is a monumental decision--how can I know what's right? Please pray for me! What about my other passions; film-making, video editing, photography, etc? Should I take the fact that I did receive the 4-year scholarship into account? Would He have given that to me if that's not was I was supposed to be doing? As a new friend at college told me recently:In a river of questions
Can I pour my heart out to a listening ear?
I see this life
Its valleys and mountains
And I think of all the roads that brought me here
I've questioned my reasons
The life I'm living
I've questioned my ability
To judge wrong from right
I've questioned all the things that I've ever called certain
My race, my religion, my country, my mind
But the one thing I don't question is you
You really love me like you say you do
Hold me
I've questioned my significance
Meaning and relevance
Does the work I'm doing really matter at all?
I've questioned my friendships
Alliance, dependence
Who will still be here when I fall?
Only one thing doesn't change
Only one thing stays the same
All I know at the end of the day is your love remains"
Don't ask God to bless what you're doing; do what God is blessing.
Lord God, I'm not sure. I don't know. I'm weak. I know that I'm weak--I need your help.
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself!
~Rush of Fools, Undo
Jesus, please help me to see what you see--your ways are so much higher, I can't even fathom them; but please open my eyes to your Truth daily. Draw me closer Lord, to thee. Please be my strength--I don't ask that you give me the strength, but only that you do what I in my flesh and human nature cannot.
I...am...weak.
I admit this and acknowledge it, Lord! I need you--for in my weakness, then you are strong. The weaker I am, the stronger you become in me. Fill me to overflowing, Lord, with your peace, joy, contentment, and zeal.
I admit this and acknowledge it, Lord! I need you--for in my weakness, then you are strong. The weaker I am, the stronger you become in me. Fill me to overflowing, Lord, with your peace, joy, contentment, and zeal.
I am yours.
You promise never to leave me or forsake me--I am your child, daughter of the King. I serve you willingly, out of love, awe, and respect. You said that no one can snatch away those whom the Father has given you; I am safe in your arms forever and ever. Even when I can't see you, feel you, hear you, or sense you, I know you. I know you are there...you are in me, beside me, behind me, before me, and protecting me.
I am strong.
Not in my own strength--the Holy Spirit dwelling in me is that strength. Your presence in my life is that strength. Your Word is that strength. You are strength.
Not in my own strength--the Holy Spirit dwelling in me is that strength. Your presence in my life is that strength. Your Word is that strength. You are strength.
You are.
And that's all that matters. You are--you are everything I am not; but you can't be what I'm not for me until I admit what I'm not. You are.....You are. You are.
Hi Kristen,
I learned of your blog from a friend I am a homeshcooled graduate who has been following your blog since July. I read dozens of blogs on various subjects but have never posted comments.
This recent question touches home to me so bear with me.
I understand the pressures of college and balancing academics with the rest of life. I moved across country to attend a highly acclaimed Christian college and thought that my ultimate dream had come true. I felt, at the time, that I was where God had wanted me to be. It would take pages for me to tell you how many doors that He opened specifically for me to attend there. After a semester my family was going through a hard time and asked me to come back home and serve in a church they had helped plant. My associates degree would have taken 2 1/2 years to finish, my bachelor's another 2 1/2 years, and I also wanted to continue to a masters (2 years) and finally a P.H.D (3 years killing myself). To make a long story short my goal to become a P.H.D. in theology would take me about 10 years and all this time in a strange state far away from my family and friends. Even though my particular situation is different from yours the time commitment and uncertainty is where I feel you. Finally, I decided that even though my goals were grand and God had helped me in so many ways to fulfill my dream I chose to leave it all move back home and work toward other goals and dreams that I had. Now, I am in a good job, working hard in the church, and taking online courses that will have me graduating with a bachelor's in 2 years (business, different school).
Kristen, I had to come to the conclusion that if I stayed in Theological school God would bless me and help me become a better person more conformed into the image of His Son every day. If I moved back home (which I did) God would bless me and help me become a better person. This decision isn't good vrs. bad it is good vrs. best. What are your dreams? What do you aspire to be? God isn't off His throne, if you stay in school He will bless you and give you grace day to day. If you leave and chase other dreams He will bless you and give you grace day to day. As long as you aspire to be a godly, righteous, and pure young lady (which I know you already are and aspiring to be) God will bless you.
Sorry this post is so long I just wanted to know that you are not alone in this scary world of Homeshcooled graduates trying to decide God's will for their lives.
Take Care,
God Bless,
(intentionally) Anonymous
p.s. I personally know five or six homeschooled students who decided to leave traditional college for other aspirations, and I know a dozen or so that stay in school, so this would be a personal, what is best for you and your family decision.
oops,
"I just wanted to know that you are not alone"
should read
I just wanted YOU to know that you are not alone
Hey Kristen,
Just do what you think God is
leading you to do. You have great talent playing the piano, and I know it seems a long time (4 years) but pray about it, and discuss it with your family. God will tell you what to do.